Upfronts: The CW...not appealing to anyone

For the last of the upfront preview/reviews, we go to everyone's favorite network to ignore: The CW. And now that they've dropped Veronica Mars for what appears to be a slate filled with replacements that lack any ingenuity, I don't know if any serious TV watchers will even give the network a shot.

But I'm not serious, so let's give it a go. 8 new programs.

SHOW 1: Aliens in America
Guess: An absurd and tasteless comedy set in a 1980s Midwest suburb where a nerdy red-head and his Muslim friend deal with puberty in supposedly farcical manners. A total Malcom-in-the-Middle rip-off.
Actual: "Sixteen-year-old Justin Tolchuk is just another awkward teen trying to keep a low profile when his mother decides to take in a foreign exchange student. When Raja Musharaff, a Pakistani Muslim, arrives, he and Justin find common ground in trying to survive high school in America."
Verdict: Pretty close…although I got the time wrong. I'm exceptionally skeptical, since terrorist jokes are only funny if they are done well, or if done by members from the Axis of Evil. None of the above exist for the CW.

SHOW 2: CW Now
Guess: No picture.
Actual: Series stays on top of the latest trends in fashion, technology and activities as well as the gossip on celebrities.
Verdict: If Billy Bush isn't reporting it, then it didn't happen.

SHOW 3: Gossip Girl
Guess: Rich, spoiled high school students have lots of sex while lying, cheating, and stealing from each other. Like the O.C. but for kids from New England.
Actual: "Based on the books of the same name that revolve around the lives of privileged Manhattan prep school teens whose scandalous lives are revealed online by the mysterious blogger known only as Gossip Girl."
Verdict: School girl outfits aside, this actually is from the people who did the O.C., so expect blatant self-plagiarism.

SHOW 4: Life is Wild
Guess: Another family drama about an overbearing father, a rebellious son, a slutty daughter…and the wise old grandpa. The setting is….a former ghost town in Colorado? Are they going to be the first residents of Kid Nation(link)?
Actual: A veterinarian moves his entire family to live in a game preserve in South Africa. As the family struggles to adjust to life away from the Big Apple, they learn to appreciate the friendly locals, the breathtaking vistas and the wild animals that surround them.
Verdict: OHH. South Africa. I totally forgot that television programs can exist outside of the United States. The "friendly locals"? That's just asking for racial stereotypes.

SHOW 5: Online Nation
Guess: No picture.
Actual: The web's viral videos are featured weekly.
Verdict: As Ian said when we discussed this yesterday: "It's like America's Funniest Home Videos, but even worse, somehow." I just wish there was some massive Web site where we could watch viral videos in one place, whenever we want to watch them instead of waiting for a weekly TV program to air.

SHOW 6: Reaper
Guess: A sit-com set between three employees at a home furnishings store (think Bed, Bath, & Beyond); one down-on-his luck writer resigned to work in retail, his girlfriend, and his high school friend who has no ambition as plucky relief. The vice president from last season's 24 is their manager.
Actual: Sam's parents never asked much of him, allowing him to become the best slacker he could be. It turns out, they didn't expect any future for him because they had already sold his soul to the devil, who wants Sam as his new bounty hunter.
Verdict: Wait. What?? They're stealing from FAUST…and this is the best they could come up with? Just rent Damn Yankees, its better, and it features the Washington Senators/Nationals.

SHOW 7: Crowned: The Mother of All Pageants
Guess: No picture.
Actual: Mother/daughter pairs from all walks of life will compete in a beauty pageant to showcase their teamwork, sense of style, stance on issues, dance coordination and sense of humor.
Verdict: They cancelled Veronica Mars, a show I never even appreciated that much, for this??

SHOW 8: Farmer Wants a Wife
Guess: No picture.
Actual: Premise: A rural farmer evaluates 10 city gals to see if one will fit into his country lifestyle as his wife.
Verdict: Well, no awards for subtlety to the title of the show. But see above regarding my true thoughts.