Final Wrap-Up

Thanks to everyone for reading and commenting. We've learned next to nothing, other than that they speak Afrikaans in South Africa. And that people in Los Angeles like watching movies about people in Los Angeles, especially if it depicts them as racists.

Its too bad, because I was looking forward to the columns about how gay people are corrupting society. No one will write that racists are corrupting society, thats not controversial enough. Any last thoughts, Jared?

I thought this year's Academy Awards were pretty well done, save for the excessive montages. And Jon Stewart was fantastic as the host. I hope they invite him back next year.

Gavin won the pool. I will hate him forever.

Thanks to Brian for letting me come over and liveblog with him and his family. I had a great time, and I hope we get to do this again next year.

Let's hug and pitch a pup tent together. Later.

Best Picture

Oh Man, its 11:22 on my computer right now. This line was so close, but sadly, it will be too late.

Jack looks and acts like he has been drinking and smoking nonstop for 72 hours, this is fantastic.

I can't believe Crash won. This not only means that Roger Ebert is right, but that another crappy movie won best picture. I would have been fine if Brokeback had won over my choice, Munich, but Crash? It was not about racism...it was about pretending to care about racis...ugh, forget this crap. Bring back Jon Stewart.

Wow. The worst movie in the category won. Terrible. Just terrible. The Oscars had actually been doing pretty well this year, I thought (save for supporting actor). But man. What a sour note to end on. Horrible.

And they cut her mic off just while she was thanking her "wife"...and another commercial? Blech. Let's have Jonny boy sign off, for his THIRD appearance since Jared set the line of five. Guess the gambling is a wash.

And it looks like Gavin won the pool. You suck.

Where's Jack....oh, and the best director award

My dad wisely pointed out that they haven't shown Jack Nicholson much tonight. Maybe thats because he hasn't been in a good movie in a long while. He might want to work on that.

Best Director....no surprise, Ang Lee gets the award. How fluent is he in English? Not too bad, although he did repeat the ubiquitous "I wish I could quit you" line, for no reason whatsoever. Camera shot of the Angry Oscar Winner reveals that the woman does know how to smile. Good for her.

Say what you want about Brokeback, I think this award is just making up for the snub of The Hulk. Also, I'm pretty sure Ang Lee thanked David Lee Roth. That rocks.

No, he said David Lee. And the Hulk sucked. And there's Jack milking it like only Jack can.

Original Screenplay

Thank god Syriana didnt win. The guy put an IKEA in Rockville, MD, my hometown. There is no IKEA in Rockville. Friggin idiot.

But then Crash won. Which is a crappy movie. These two guys are racist, I just know it. You know how? Because according to them, we're all a little bit racist. But I learned that from Avenue Q, the musical that mocked Sesame Street. I don't need it from a hackneyed farce of a movie.

Really, it is a crying shame that the Academy decided to go with a movie that got a lot of buzz as opposed to a movie that was actually well-written, like, say, The Squid and the Whale. I'm kinda wondering if Squid/Whale or Match Point took place in LA if they would have stood a better shot of taking this Oscar down. Paul Haggis is an unsubtle writer who hides behind Important Social Issues and is a great symbol for everything that went wrong with the Oscar nominations this year.

Squid and the Whale was a brilliant movie...I hope Noah Baumbach gets recognized for his future offerings, he'll deserve it.

Screenplay Award for Adapted Stuff

Ok Dustin...quit milking your few moments of Oscar time and lets finish this thing. And I am so screwed on the 11:24 end time. Oh well.

For adapted screenplay, the Oscar goes to the Brokeback clan. Not too much of a surprise there. When you can take a 10 page short story and make it into a two-hour movie, thats impressive.

Of course, Tony Kushner took a discredited memoir and made into a 2.5-hr thriller, but he is a self-loathing Jew who hates Israel, right? Right?

And for being a good writer, that woman cannot write a good acceptance speech.

OK, look at Larry McMurtry for a sec. This man is capable of penning a movie that had such a profound social impact? Frankly, I'm surprised he is able to make his own breakfast in the morning. He looks like George Will, if George Will drank.

She is the angriest looking Oscar winner ever. How about you smile.

Is Uma Thurman the basis for the Corpse Bride?

For the record

Thanks to the people at Defamer for spotting this humorous gaffe. Next thing you know, Colin Ferrell will be presenting the award for Best Picture.

Actress before Screenwriting?

Does the crew over at SAG have blackmail against the producer of the Oscars? How is it that the actor and actress awards are given out before screenplay?

Reese is so cute...Im looking forward to this speech. And Felicity looked pretty damn magnanimous in her loss.

Thank you Voice-Over Man for another fascinating factoid about Reese Witherspoon's upbringing. Who decided that he should say this crap?

You know, thinking about it, I think Reese's performance depending a whole lot on Phoenix's. And I think that clip showed it. But whatever, I'm happy for her. Good job Reese. I'd say I'm pissed for Dame Judi Dench, but she already has enough awards and stuff. She'll live.

And she's a dame. She doesn't need an Oscar. They keep showing Ryan Witherspoon for his reaction shots. Poor guy, who would have thought back in the days of Cruel Intentions that he would always be the less-talented person in that marriage.

I'm not sure, but I think I saw Reese Witherspoon's chin used as weapon on Battlebots once.

Cinematography

This is a great award, mostly because everyone thinks that they're being very artistic when judging films on their cinematography. To the public, cinematography is just "did it look cool"...when its probably much more than that.

Can't believe "Memoirs" picked up another award. Did anyone see this movie? Sort of an odd choice, but maybe Crash and Brokeback split up the votes.

And for those keeping track at home, Gavin is unofficially one up on Brian, but I need to double check that.

Also, Mafia 3 six jokes will never get old.

Out of nowhere....comes an award that matters

Phillip Seymour Hoffman was so good as Capote...and now they're showing the clip of Terrence Howard. And the guy with him, Anthony Anderson, was robbed of his oscar for "Kangaroo Jack." A crying shame.

Heath Ledger has some bad-facial hair, but at least he doesn't have Tom Hanks' mop of hair.

Joaquin Phoenix is so creepy-looking. Man.

He totally has the John Malkovich "weird guy" thing going for him.

No surprise here, but will Hoffman "bark like a dog" as he promised? I appreciate his craft, but his next film is "Mission Impossible: III"...I doubt he'll make a repeat performance at the Oscar stand for that role.

Hey, he gets to play the bad guy in the movie. Those are always fun roles to act in, and to watch. He'll be great.

Alright PSH, you're wearing out your welcome...ah, finally he shut up. Isn't John Travolta ALWAYS standing by to do something? They probably have guys just waiting in the wings in case someone doesnt show up. John Travolta is first up, but to be sure, they have Kevin Bacon, Kevin Costner, and Val Kilmer as backups.

Film Editing

How is it pronounced Zooey? Where is the o or the u in that first name? It's spelled Ziyi. Cmon! Anglicize, bitch!

At this point, I think everyone is just biding their time until the big awards. So I'll take this time to thank all the commenters out there from TTO. And the goofball anonymous guy who thinks that I am king. Thanks, Dad.

And thanks to Stork and Crocker for reading and watching. This is like an acceptance speech, but not as long and it has a point.

I want to shout to Ian for the Edgar Martinez reference.

And to Ben. Thanks for keeping us company. And your fetish for pregnant women is just disgusting. But hey, I'm just glad I don't have to compete with you for Ms. Alba's attention.

Over/Under Betting Time

When the Oscar telecast ends: 11:24. What do you take Jared?

We've still got just under ten categories left, including all of the biggies (save for the supporting awards). I'm definitely taking the over. I'm pretty confident in that one.

Brian wants me to give him a different line...hmm...OK, number of Jon Stewart appearances. I'll put the line at five.

I will take the under on that. It's risky...but hopefully it will be four appearances. What language is Tsotsi in? What do they speak in South Africa? Anyone?

Another mahnnnntajjjj

But this is the expected one, in memoriam. Let's each pick our "wait, he hadnt died yet" person.

You know you've made it when "adventures in babysitting" is one of your bigger credits. Wow

Thats kind of surprising that Richard Pryor lived that long...with all the drugs he did? That's impressive.

This is gonna sound terrible, but this year kinda lacked star power, you know? I mean, sure, Richard Pryor and Anne Bancroft. But third is Eddie Albert? Really? Props to everyone for staying alive, I guess.

Surprise at the Oscars? and more Sound Mixing....

Wow...an actual upset. See, now why are all the christian conservatives so angry at gangster rap? These guys are the only ones who will ever say "Thank you Jesus" in Hollywood. They're on the same side! Of course, they just got bleeped on national television, so who knows.

I'm glad the best song won, just a little sad more movies couldn't work in better songs. Oh well, maybe next year.

Stewart is really doing well tonight. Mocking the dancing...and the montages. More political ads! These are brilliant.

I kind of wish that Jennifer Garner would have fallen. Because that would have been funny and spontaneous.

Another win for King Kong....good for them.

Shyamamalamadingdong

Ok, so I'm a bit biased in that I've really liked all of M. Night Shyamalan's movies. But that AmEx ad with him was quite cool.

And I guess we've reached the point where we have Oscar-night commercials...bringing it one step closer to being the "Super Bowl for Women."

except for us, of course. Because we are totally not women.

LUDACRIS!!!! Fantastic. He rocks.

They should have had a disclaimer before showing this segment in case anyone out there suffers from seizures. Overdoing the strobe light a bit.

You know something? This song was the best of the three, by far. And isn't even really that good. The throwback Phillies hat definitely helps. Dancers? Not so much.

I'm really pissed Sting couldn't get a song in this year. He would have won with ease.

I dont know what Jared would have done in an Oscars with both Jessica Alba and Sting. Who would he have chosen to go home with? The interpretative dance is dreadful...and embarassing.

Robert Altman Pity Prize

Are Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep drunk? If they are, can we start a petition to have them fired like the idiots over on exposetheleft.com have for David Gregory? As if it is even our prerogative to have them fired?

These are two are so off-the-wall...they're coming close to outshining Jon Stewart. What the hell are they talking about? ohhh...they're introducing Robert Altman for the lifetime achievement award.

I'd say they'll show a montage of all of his films, but I think they already have.

I dunno, I think the Streep-Tomlin was a good idea in theory, but a tad overdone. Also, Gosford Park was way overrated. But I'm just bitter than everyone said it was a murder mystery and it totally wasn't. Really, his true test will be that new movie with Lindsay Lohan.

Sound Editing...or is it Mixing?

Does anyone know the difference between Editing and Mixing? This seems like a waste of valuable Oscar real estate, right? Couldn't they be doing another montage instead of giving out two awards for sound stuff?

And King Kong picks up one sound award, bringing me back to one behind Gavin. There's irony, the mic being turned off for the sound mixing guy...or is he the sound editing guy?

Jessica Alba is so hot. It isn't even fair anymore. By the way, Walk the Line was robbed. The friggin' movie was about music. Johnny Cash is not happy, and we don't want to be around when he wreaks havoc in anger.

Another "Montage....."

First, this "Sons and Daughters" shows a lot of promise...Jared is not as confident. Then they have to show a promo for "American Inventor" proving that network television has a long way to go. That show was cool when it was called "Dr. Fad Show" on PBS. That was a decade ago.

The teleprompter operator is so fired. And these montages are so forced...Grease is an epic? Let's do musicals and epic movies together....where's that "Team America: World Police" song when you need it?

Good lord, what counts as epic these days? Every movie? Looks like they got things together later in the montage, but the beginning was a little silly, I think. Also, what is the point of these montages? We all already like to watch movies, otherwise we wouldn't be watching the Oscars, for crying out loud. I guess they were worried the Oscars would run too short?

And they used the edited version of E.T. without the guns! Stupid Spielberg and his domination of Hollywood.

Good work by Stewart on mocking the montages.

Best Original Score

Wow. Salma Hayek is hot. And packing puppies, if you know what I mean.

Bill Conti! Rocky rules! It is an outrage that Rocky IV wasn't in the Movies that Address Social Issues Montage. An outrage.

And where was "Soylent Green is People!" Cmon! What about a scene from "The Island"? If you can put "Something's Gotta Give" in there, you can find a place for other bad movies.

Usually one of my favorite categories now, but none of these are that inspirational. And Itzhak Perlman playing all the scores is cool, but it doesnt really fit with percussion heavy scores like Constant Gardeners. Or the guitar strumming of Brokeback's score....which should win.

It's kind of strange that Brokeback's score has become so well known...mostly due to the mashups like Brokeback to the Future. Kind of a strange repercussion, but it is a rather good melody.

Shocker....yay for the Argentinian dude...thanks for that relevant factoid voice-over announcer guy.

President of the AMPAS

This guy is quite the master of the obvious. Couldn't we just have some more shots of Jessica Alba instead? Or more Jon Stewart shtick? He was on a roll.

Oh no! A shot at Mark Cuban? Wow. Cuban's gonna go apeshit on this guy. This means friggin' war.

Oh wow, thanks for propping up the economy of New Orleans. Way to pat yourself on the back man. Well done.

Art Direction

Jared and I both decide that we hate television. This is after watching the promo for "Miracle Workers."

Give me scripted television, please.

Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves....that is an amazing duo. Someone should make a movie with the two of them. Maybe an action movie on a bus that won't stop. Just an idea.

Jared's mom could actually be right on this one with King Kong...the 1930s New York was impressive. But...wait, Keanu can read?

Memoirs? ugh!

Samuel L. knows how to swagger....because he is one bad mother fucker.

Another really random clip montage here...this one's about important social issues? Aren't all Oscar moves about that?

Documentary Short and Documentary Long

Gavin is so lucky. How did he know that a movie about some dude named Norman Corwin would beat a movie about Rwanda. CMON! It's RWANDA!

There's Charlize in her ugly dress again. And I'll be so disappointed when March of the Penguins wins...because it sucked.

And why is she wearing a beehive? I don't understand.

Stupid penguins. My dad says that they are all ventriloquists and that they are all puppets. And that French dude just one-upped the costume designer...he thanked ALL the children in the world, not just the Japanese children.

Actually, they thanked just the children who saw the movie. The other ones? They can go to hell.

Here comes J-Lo and her posterior.

Random clip montage?

Lauren Bacall can't read the teleprompter. Thats not very funny, that's kind of sad. She deserves better. My brother thinks she may be drunk, but awww....I feel really bad for her. This is horrible. Poor woman! Not even Jon Stewart can save her.

L.A. Confidential music...great choice. I do have a softness for movie scores.

But what clip montage is this? I can't really figure it out. Is it a tribute to film noir? That seems like an awfully bizarre subject for a clip show in the usually "too long" Oscars.

And now I get why they chose LA Confidential's music, but still...weird.

Ahhh...here comes the Daily Show-esque shtick. This is great! A "political" ad for Keira Knightly...I am very impressed.

Best Supporting Actress

Man, even Morgan Freeman messing up is entertaining to hear. His voice is so ridiculously awesome.

Brian's brother thinking PSH as Capote looks like Leo DiCaprio, I think he is smoking crack.

No, not crack, he's jusy my brother.

Rachael Weisz. Marry me! Marry me! Be my mistress!

Michelle Williams. MILF. Did they have to use the "You didn't go up there to fish" line?

And why did Morgan Freeman laugh after announcing her award? Because he knows she is gonna get with me after the show?

Jared, get your mind out of the gutter. Have they been in any movies together? I dunno.

Everyone but my mom took Rachael Weisz. And I took her in the biblical sense.

Man, sorry for the Rachael Weisz jokes. I'll stop. I swear.

By the way, I stand by my statement that Amy Adams got robbed.

Tech Awards

Man, Brian is soooo disappointed that Rachael McAdams wasn't baring any cleavage. I'm disappointed it was so boring.

Best Makeup

Presented by Will Ferrell and Steve Carell. And, once again, Will Ferrell is NOT FUNNY! EVER! Long live Steve Carell.

I like the contrast between Cinderella Man and the two fantasy movies in this one.

Oscar goes to: Chronicles of Narnia. Damn damn damn. Star Wars was robbed. Robbed, I tell you. It was their only nomination. Boo.

Anyway, Brian and Gavin up by two, then my dad and I, followed by my mom. And it was hilarious that the guy talked so long that the women didn't get to say anything?

Best Costume Design

Can we rename this award the Project Runway Award? Seems more fitting somehow. And how did Walk the Line get nominated?

Oscar goes to Memoirs of A Geisha. The movie was designed to win the award. Gavin and Brian stay in the lead, and I pull into third.

Wow. A big thanks to the people of Japan? Really? That is insane. That is a lot of people to thank. And did they all really help make those costumes? I'm not so sure.

Best Live Action Short and Animated Short

Ooooh, an inflation joke. Thanks, Wilson brothers.

And the Oscar goes to....Six Shooter. Yay? I dunno. Gavin and Brian surge into the lead.

Brian is eating, but he wants to say he really hates when they do animated characters presenting awards. Also, he is wondering about Chicken Little characters presenting, when ABC owns Disney, and Chicken Little is out on DVD soon.

Oscar for Best Animated Short.....The Moon and the Son! Damn. Shoulda gone with the clever name. Oh well. Oooh, Eli Wallach and John Turturro gave their voices to this? Damn. Wish I knew beforehand.

Best Animated Feature

Circumcision joke! Always in good taste.

With only three nominees, seems to me that the best way to an Oscar might be making an animated movie. Oscar goes to Wallace and Gromit. No surprise, except for Gavin, who choked big time, and the pool is all even now.

These British guys bring new meaning to the term "fop"....they sound and look just like Wallace and Gromit. And the ties on the Oscars is a nice touch. I dont know what Gavin is thinking, these guys were winning Oscars with their original animated shorts, so I'm glad for them here.

And they're just very....British.

Out comes Naomi Watts in a skin-colored dress. And is introducing Dolly Parton....who cares about these songs? They're all dreadful.

Naomi Watts has such a gorgeous face, why distract from it with such a bad dress?

Wow, Dolly Parton looks really really scary. I hope she doesn't visit with too many little kids, otherwise they'll have nightmares for weeks. Speaking of nightmares, this song is terrible. Dolly should be ashamed of herself. The Oscars, too. This was one of the three best original songs? Pardon me if I'm a little skeptical. Words cannot express how dreadful this is. I'm glad Dolly Parton got people clapping, if only so we could see less shots of her (and more shots of white people awkwardly clapping).

Best Visual Effects

Ugh, let's hope that all presenters aren't as awkward-sounding as Nicole Kidman. And that all speeches are as good as Clooney's.

Entertaining skit about how they are cutting off acceptance speeches this year. Too bad Tom Hanks' hair distracted from everything else. Man, what was he thinking?

Man, Ben Stiller is great. And Steven Spielberg needs to learn how to take a joke.

This shtick is cracking me up. And not too much of a surprise here with King Kong. That's the award it deserves. Although I always like how these special effect wizards are winning their 8th oscar while the actors scratch and claw to just win one.

Oscars- Best Supporting Actor

Oscar goes to...this is crucial for our pool...George Clooney in Syriana? Ugh. Giamatti got screwed. We also hate you Gavin for getting it right.

I gotta give major props to Clooney for his comments before the Oscars about how he won't win an Oscar this year. Genius PR move, and it clearly paid off big time.

Awww, Giammati is going to cry. He should have won. But I'm glad that Clooney is addressing the "out of mainstream" issue, because he's actually making sense. No snarkiness, man, I'm looking forward to how the righties like Schlussel will hate on him for that one.

Oscars -- More Stewart

Ahhh, Catherine. Be Still My Heart.

Jack Nicholson next to Keira Knightly? Amazing

That beehive is crazy on Charlize Theron, in addition to that thing on her shoulder. Bizarre. This monologue is all over the place, but he is hitting most of his marks. Yay for Stewart.

Oh no...this is going to be rather damning.

Oscars-- The Actual Opening

8:07 Opening montage...not too shabby, but could have done without John Williams's rousing score. Is this a ride at Universal Studios?

Aha! First Jack Nicholson sighting!

I thought the intro was pretty funny. Except the madness that was Mel Gibson.

Jon Stewart loves ragging on his Death to Smoochy credit...and the "voting for winners" line is rather good.

Oscars--Stewart's Monologue

8:00 As an aside, Billy Bush may not be the stupidest Bush, but he is tonight.

I'm putting an over/under on a Steve Carrell appearance within 9 minutes.

Brian's a punk and changed the line from 5 to 9. A little fishy, if you ask me. I'll still take the over, but I'll be disappointed if he doesn't show up.

That opening montage was kinda cool...but a little underwhelming. Maybe its just because our TV screen is too small. I'm throwing this out there so when jared makes the joke, its derivative.

Live-blogging the Oscars!!!

7:54 Hey everybody who isn't reading this, but Jared and I are going to give it a shot anyways.

I'm most looking forward to Jon Stewart tonight. How will the Daily Show shtick translate to the Oscars? Well, its 6 minutes to go. Guess i'll figure it out pretty soon. The ABC pre-show crew is rather pathetic, so at least Stewart will have little competition. Some hard-hitting analysis going on right now with the Access Hollywood crew. Jared? What are you looking forward to?

Heck, I already saw Jessica Alba in her Oscar dress, I'm set. Also, I'm looking forward to crushing Brian and my family in our Oscar pool.

Whatever. We both know that my pick for short animated film is going to win it for me.

For future reference, jared is in italics, because he is "special"